#and she legit juzt texted me asking for a carton of cigarettes. haha . just another $50 i need to scrounge up | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

stabyou · 8 months ago

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being online makes me feel so isolated because i cant reach out to a single soul without feeling terrified of the rejection. im too tired to be any kind of meaningful friend or even mutual, but i have absolutely no one in real life. i come online for my crumbs of socialization and human interaction that i desperately crave, but once i have it i just feel more lonely. like people talk to me out of pity, out of feeling sorry, or just that they will always have people they like more. i feel like a baby. i feel like someone who will always be watching everyone else live the life i desperately want through the lens of social media while i rot alone in the house that killed me before i was born

#honey's words #this is dumb. i will probably delete. but who else could i even tell #writing in my virtual diary today...#and i am soooo fucking stressed. being with my mom in the same house is literally killing me #i screamed at the top of my lungs and shattered my phone throwing it at the ground yesterday and i juzt feel so much shame #i keep crying i keep having episodes its all going to kill me if i dont leave #my car needs fixing but my mom only wants me to make money for her as always #i just. oh my god can i just actually kill myself #and she legit juzt texted me asking for a carton of cigarettes. haha . just another $50 i need to scrounge up #by driving doordash with my car that desperately needs fixing but i can't!! BECAUSE I HAVE TO GIVE HER ALL MY FUCKING MONEY!!!#please... no more. literally no more. i have to go back to sleep bc thats the only time im not wanting to die #im scared for myself genuinely. i dont think i can make it through this time. i dont think i will survive .. i wasnt made to. god i am #two steps away from begging the lord to help me and im an atheist ahiwjsjs. there has to be some kind of relief.

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